Monday, November 27, 2006

TAXICAB CONFESSIONS

It looks as though those fourth grade beatings were worth it after all.

Not long after Robert Wagner’s gracious phone call of the other night, we received word that he was going to be able to join us here in Montreal and play Mr. Wilson after all. Needless to say, there was much rejoicing around the offices of DENNIS THE MENACE 3, and I for one am very relieved that we won’t have to attempt any more reanimation experiments on the body of Don Knotts.

I of course am of the conviction that it was my sad tale of being cruelly taunted by elementary school heathens for wearing an ascot like my idol "RJ" when I was 8 years old which touched his heart and made him change his mind.

So now our cast is complete: Robert Wagner as Mr. Wilson
the fabulous Oscar winning LOUISE FLETCHER as Mrs. Wilson
GEORGE NEWBERN as Dennis' Dad HENRY -
my old pal KIM SCHRANER as Dennis' mom ALICE - and another old friend JACK NOSEWORTHY as David Bratcher, the father of the local bully


So finally, after three months of searching and with the ceaseless efforts of our very gifted casting director Larry "Luluabell" Lafond, we have our actors!!

To celebrate, I joined our producer STEVEN WOLFE at a terribly elegant cocktail soiree thrown by the organizers of IMAGE + NATION, Montreal’s Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, to welcome the attending filmmakers and other VIP types.

In keeping with my tradition of making an utter fool of myself in every possible situation, I completely insulted the head of the festival, the extraordinary Charlie Boudreau – whose warm and deep voice I had only ever heard on the phone – by asking the charming and charismatic lesbian who greeted me at the party where I might find him. As you may have surmised, Charlie wasn’t a “him” but was in fact the “her” standing in front of me.

Not since I asked a rather zaftig woman at Pat “Degrassi” Mastrianno’s summer bbq when she was “expecting” -- only to discover that she wasn’t and the pair of MASSIVE HAMBURGERS on her plate had nothing to do with “eating for two” – have I so firmly tasted my Prada loafers.

Charlie, bless her little Sapphic heart, took it all in good humored stride, so much so that she and the dynamic Katherine Setzer, the festival programmer, invited me out to a filmmaker’s dinner last night at a wonderful restaurant called CONTINENTAL.

Given the general disregard that the Montreal taxi drivers seem to have for direction, traffic laws and human life, it didn’t surprise me that the cabbie we hailed had no idea where the Continental resto was located, and his dispatcher took great pleasure in telling us over the radio that neither she nor anybody in the entire company had ever heard of the place. The delight with which she said this was almost palpable, as if to suggest that if she’d never been there it almost certainly wasn’t worth discussing.

This was only the latest surreal cab trip I’ve had since arriving in Montreal a month ago; so far I’ve been driven around town by a raging conspiracy theorist who firmly believed Canada was being secretly run by European Communists, a nattily dressed man who, when given our destination, stroked his dashboard and asked his cab to get us there safely, and a cheerful fellow who almost killed us half a dozen times because he was distracted by shaving his KNUCKLES with a ladies’ pink plastic disposable razor.

The following Monday evening, our movie SHOCK TO THE SYSTEM screened to an medium-sized but appreciative audience. In spite of the language difference, the drama and the comedy seemed to translate well and Chad Allen’s “go for the Oscar” moment, when he breaks down over the suicide of his long-dead lover, once again brought people to tears.

However, any ego inflation which may have occurred for yours truly was quickly dashed when we left the theater and saw a MASSIVE line up around the block for the next film, “ANOTHER GAY MOVIE”. Sigh. Note to self: next time I get the bright idea to make a film noir private eye movie for a gay audience, add dildo jokes and sex with baked goods.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr Oliver. You are an embarrassment to this industry. What the heck are you trying to prove? Hopefully the Canadian Film Industry will ban you from EVER working in Canada again.

10:45 AM  
Blogger ron oliver said...

oh sweetie, puleeze. I'm not trying to "prove" anything. I'm just keeping a diary. You, on the other hand, probably need to change your medication. And honestly, saying "The Canadian Film Industry" is kind of like saying "The Iraqi Peace Movement". And as long as your government continues to sell out its own Film Community for tax credits, I imagine you'll be seeing my white ass on film sets up here for years...Happy Holidays!

10:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope not.

4:28 PM  

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